Parashat Ki-Tetze, Deut. 20:10-25:19

Sometimes life is wilder than any imagination.

Last week I was finalizing a move to Cleveland. With all my books and resources long gone – shipped away in boxes – I did not find the time and mental space to write about the portion of the week - “Ki Tetze.” There was some symbolism in that, as Ki-Tetze was the last portion for me to complete a full cycle of posts on this blog. So I drove to Cleveland with every intention to find my “portion” books in their box (those include the Torah Text, some commentaries, and, always, Leibovitz’s take on the portion) and complete the cycle with a bang.   

But then terrifying news arrived. My father just passed. My own dad – is no longer. The most ardent reader – and fierce critic – of the post would read it no more. It is hard to put into words what that meant to me. It is as if I have lost at once my closest family member, my best friend, my advisor for life, my mentor, my biggest supporter, my Abba. I spoke to him – as I do every day – on Tuesday morning; the next my mom called and told me he passed.  This is still too hard to accept.

I am writing this post from Israel, where we are about to bury my father in a couple of hours.  This post, then, is dedicated to him. As you will see immediately, this is no coincidence: This week’s portion deals extensively with both the delicate issue of father-son relationship, as well as with the issue of death. It even connects the two, in a bizarre and strange manner.

The Law of the Rebellious Son

The complicated relations between father and son are presented in this week’s portion in a very interesting way. Since the book of D’varim (Deuteronomy) is a book of laws, it does not bother to deal with the day-to-day aspects of life – these warrant no special attention or regulation. Rather, this law book – like countless of others written following it throughout history – deals mostly with the aberrations of life, those instances that warrant special attention (and, the concomitantly-related special punishment). One of those instances is that of the rebellious son.

We are all familiar with the notion of a son who is not listening to his dad. We have all been there – Dad always wants you to do “what’s right”; you, on the other hand, think you know better and opt to do another thing. What are the options that dad has in this situation?

Throughout most of my life I tended to examine this question from a very narrow perspective – that of the ignorant son, who naturally thinks think he knows better and therefore opts to do the opposite of what his dad tells him to. That view has evolved over the years, however; as Mark Twain remarked once, “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But, when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." Indeed, I, too, realized how much my dad “learned” over the years.

But my perspective not only evolved through the years; it has also changed completely four years ago when I became a dad myself. Suddenly I realized what it means to actually ask your son to do something and having him completely ignore you (or worse, do the opposite). From that vintage point, all of a sudden, the question of “the son who knows better” received an entire different meaning. It begins with very small things – the insistence that he would hold your hand when crossing the street, the requests not to play ball near traveling cars – but these things matter, as they are safety-related; and once your little boy ignores you there, he might be in real danger (and you, as a parent, in real trouble).

So what is a father to do in these situations? What can we do when our children repeatedly ignore our requests, or insist on doing the opposite? The Torah, at first glance, offers very little guidance. The solution it offers – quite shockingly – is nothing if not radical: “Kill the boy!” the Torah says, let him die. And in the language of the text:

If a man has a wayward and rebellious son, who does not obey his father or his mother, and they chasten him, and [he still] does not listen to them; his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city, and to the gate of his place. And they shall say to the elders of his city, "This son of ours is wayward and rebellious; he does not obey us; [he is] a glutton and a guzzler.” And all the men of his city shall stone him to death, and he shall die. So shall you clear out the evil from among you, and all Israel will listen and fear. (Deut. 20: 18-21)

I am not sure – I did not conduct the research – just how many times this penalty was actually utilized by parents (and executed by the city-people). But I have a hunch – very little. Indeed, more than an actual advice (in my mind) this “law of the rebellious son” is intended more as a cautionary tale – a cautionary tale to all of us, “sons” and “fathers” alike. On the “son” part, it intends to tell us that our parents – through the representing institutions – have the ultimate power upon us. They are instructed with the role of our education; but they also have the power to constrain us should we keep disobey their orders. So extreme is the power parents have, that they can even lead to our death as disobedient sons.

But the lesson to the parents, in my mind, is even more striking. Allegedly, this provision provides the parents with the ultimate solution to a very difficult and delicate problem; “Know you, all parents out there,” the Torah instructs us, “that should your son consistently disobey you, you are hereby granted with the ultimate power; you may – through the representing institution – put your son to death.” But this solution is of very little comfort. Very few parents would like to see their son die (even a disobedient son). And even fewer parents would like to send their son to his death.

Indeed, perhaps the Torah is trying to tell us something much deeper here. Perhaps the message is that death can never be a solution; that even if you have the power to inflict death, in a relation between parents and children you should never use that power – you should always opt for much more sophisticated, and lesser harsh, sanctions that would amend the ways of your disobedient son.

And to that extent – that in the father-son context, death is never a solution – I find the Portion very rewarding this week.

Shabbat Shalom.

Doron